The Safari Guides: Kurt and Mercedes feat Quinn
by X5 - 452
Summary: Follow on one shot from The Sex Detectives. Kurt and Mercedes take Quinn on a tour to sight the mysterious 'Puckleberry'.


**AN: This is a continuation of my story, The Sex Detectives, so you might want to read that first before this one because while this may or may not make you giggle like a school girl it probably won't make much sense :) This will be the last of this universe I think...meh who knows LOL**

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**The Safari Guides: Kurt and Mercedes featuring Quinn**

**Spotting the Puckleberry**

Quinn was pissed. Well, not pissed so much as worried out of her mind with a side of being pissed off. She had been with Brittany and Santana in Mexico for all of a week when she received the frantic call from Kurt and Mercedes and her whole holiday had been ruined.

_Flashback _  
_"You need to come home," Mercedes screeched in lieu of a greeting and Quinn winced holding the phone away from her ear._  
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"Why?" Quinn asked frowning at the phone and she heard a shuffling and then Kurt spoke._  
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"Quinn; you just need to come home."_  
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He sounded so frantic that Quinn immediately felt herself start sweating nervously. Something bad had obviously happened otherwise they wouldn't be telling her to just come home with no explanation._  
_  
"Fine, I'll change my flight and text you the details so you can pick me up from the airport," Quinn said hurriedly, then she paused for a second then asked, "Just tell me what's happened?"_  
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Kurt and Mercedes were silent for a moment._  
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"We have to show you, its important Quinn, just come home," Kurt told her firmly then he hung up. _

Quinn had gone to the airport and changed her flight to early the next morning. She was on a flight at 7.55am the next day, and arrived into Dayton Airport at 2.21pm. This explained why Quinn was speed walking out of the arrivals area at the airport searching for the two divas urgently. Quinn had been going through scenarios in her head that would be so urgent for her to return home immediately. Rachel lost her voice (the first time Rachel had laryngitis she acted like the world was ending and Quinn had been the only one able to handle her epic freak out); Puck lost his mojo (Puck would certainly think that particular scenario was urgent, Quinn not so much); Finn was plain lost (When New Directions went to Disneyland Junior Year poor Finn got lost which started the rule that Finn always had to wear a panic whistle. Brittany had a matching one. Those two were kind of perfect together once you considered all the facts); Artie...Quinn felt her chest tighten. If something had happened to Artie she would just die, she had been trying to get a hold of him all night after Kurt and Mercedes called but his phone went to voice mail. Artie's phone hardly ever went straight to voicemail and he always called her back when she left messages for him.

"All right you two, what was so important that I had to cut my break short?" Quinn asked them almost fearfully, and then she whispered, "Is it Artie? Is he okay?"

"Artie is fine," Kurt said dismissively waiving his hand and Quinn frowned.

"Come on," Mercedes was grabbing her bags and Kurt was leading her to the parking lot not really saying much else and Quinn just went along with whatever was going on.

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Instead of taking her home like she thought they would, Kurt and Mercedes took her to the local mall of all places. They ignored her questions as they dragged Quinn along behind them through the mall looking around for something or someone and Quinn tried to not look embarrassed as passerby's gave the three weird looks. Not for the first time Quinn thought wistfully of the sunny beach she had left behind in Mexico with Brittany and Santana.

"Will you at least tell me what we are looking for?" Quinn demanded furiously and Kurt and Mercedes both hushed her and then pointed across the mall to a couple who were standing in a store browsing clothing racks together.

Quinn squinted a little trying to ascertain the identity of the couple. They looked vaguely familiar...

"Here we are observing Puckleberry in their natural habitat," Kurt began in a voice that mimicked a voice over in an English documentary.

Quinn frowned a little watching Puck and Rachel interact with each other. They were standing close to each other before Rachel handed Puck a shirt and then gestured for him to go into the dressing room to try it on. While Puck was gone a male shop assistant came up to Rachel with a flirty smile asking her if she would like any help and, almost like he could sense someone was talking to her, Puck emerged from the dressing room and stalked over to interrupt, his eyes narrowed threateningly at the shop assistant.

"See how the males flexes his muscles in a display of dominance to deter any other unwanted males from approaching his mate," Mercedes took over from Kurt describing Puck who had tensed his arms and then placed one seemingly casually around Rachel's shoulders while locking eyes with the male shop assistant. The poor guy practically quivered and then turned and bolted away.

"The female in turn rewards her mate with a display of affection," Kurt added as Rachel looked up at Puck fondly then rose onto her tip toes to kiss his lips gently. That got Quinn's attention.

"Rachel and Puck?" Quinn asked in disbelief; though now that she thought about it, Puck and Rachel together wasn't so surprising.

It would explain why they went to Prom together and disappeared before the crowning of Prom King and Queen who happened to be Finn and Brittany. And why Rachel and Puck both seemed to be out of breath every time Quinn walked in on them studying during finals.

"See the way the male lets his hand linger on the female's back showing possessiveness and also a protectiveness that seems quite out of character," Kurt continued to describe Puck and Rachel reacting to each other while Quinn gave a fond smile; Puck and Rachel were together and they were happy. Rachel pulled away from him to view him in the shirt then she nodded, obviously telling him to get it and Puck retreated into the dressing room to change his shirt back.

"They're together," Quinn stated more than asked and Mercedes and Kurt grinned from ear to ear nodding.

"We helped it happen," Mercedes stated proudly and Kurt placed an arm around his best friend's shoulders.

"And now we run Puckleberry tours," Kurt told Quinn gesturing to the couple who were canoodling against a rack of clothes unconcerned with the stares they were receiving for the exuberant PDA they were displaying.

Quinn grimaced in disgust. Gross.

"Do they know you are stalking them around Lima like they are the main attraction at the zoo?" Quinn asked folding her arms across her chest and Kurt and Mercedes couldn't meet her eyes.

Quinn sighed and then started laughing. What else could she do? Kurt and Mercedes made her cut her holiday short to watch Puck and Rachel making out; her friends were so very special. Kurt turned back to look at Puck and Rachel but the couple were nowhere to be seen.

"Drats, we lost them," he cursed, still employing the English accent and Mercedes and Quinn glanced over in a panic.

Where could those two have gone? It wasn't like they were hard to spot, Puck's Mohawk drew involuntary attention which was the way he liked it and Rachel always made herself the centre of attention in every situation being a 1st class Diva and all that. Quinn couldn't believe the situations Kurt and Mercedes managed to drag her into; she could still remember quite well the embarrassment of the skinny diving escapade of senior year.

"May I ask why you are following us around the mall?" the three safari guide's jumped at the sound of Rachel's voice and spun to face her guiltily. She was standing there with one hand on her hip and her eyebrows raised questioningly. She looked surprised to see Quinn back and gave a happy smile pulling her friend in for a hug, "And Quinn, what are you doing back from Mexico?"

"Couldn't stay away," Quinn replied smiling innocently and Rachel gave her a weird look. Rachel had known how excited Quinn was about her Mexico holiday so of course it seemed weird that Quinn cut it short so quickly.

"How did you sneak up on us?" Mercedes gasped looking back at where Rachel had been across the mall, and then back at Rachel who shrugged innocently.

"I'm a ninja," Rachel deadpanned and Kurt, Mercedes and Quinn just stared at her in shock. Did Rachel...did she just...make a sarcastic comment? Quinn blinked her eyes rapidly. She had been gone from Lima for just a week and everything has changed. Rachel noticed their looks of bewilderment and was quick to explain, "Noah is trying to teach me sarcasm, did I achieve the desired effect of belittling your intelligence?"

Quinn breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God Rachel hadn't changed that much. Quinn was sure the world would be ending the day Rachel acted and spoke like a normal person, and that was why Quinn loved her. Puck approached the group holding three shopping bags and two ice creams. He stopped in his tracks upon seeing the group and Quinn could have sworn he looked embarrassed because he glanced down at the bags he was holding. Two of them clearly belonged to Rachel; unless Puck picked up a Victoria's Secret fetish Quinn didn't know about. Quinn's lips twisted into an evil smirk.

"See how the male is pussy whipped into carrying his mates belongings. This shows the female that the male is capable of carrying the many Jewish babies they will produce," Quinn commented teasingly and both Puck and Rachel's eyes widened in shock while Kurt and Mercedes burst into laughter.

Puck cleared his throat gruffly and handed Rachel her ice cream which she took and then crammed into her mouth so that she didn't have to speak through the awkwardness though she did give Puck a fond smile. Puck lazily took a bite out of his ice cream secretly thinking Berry-Puckerman babies wouldn't be too bad; they would be kickass Jewish babies, and seriously, everyone knew Puck could make some good looking babies; him and Quinn's baby girl was exhibit A. Rachel was a hot looking Jew, and Puck was a hot looking Jew; to have hot looking babies would be natural.

Puck looked over at Quinn finally realising that she wasn't even supposed to be here this Summer.

"Hey Quinn, what's up with Artie?" Puck asked her and Quinn frowned at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I texted him to come around for a jam with me and Finn but he didn't text back. Finn said he hasn't heard from him either," Puck explained throwing a casual arm over Rachel's shoulder and Quinn's frown deepened as she turned to Kurt and Mercedes to find the two slowly trying to back away. Quinn gave them her patented ice queen glare and they both froze looking at the ground guiltily. Puck smirked; he was glad that Kurt and Mercedes were at the centre of attention now; that would teach them to laugh when Quinn tried to burn him.

"Where is Artie?" Quinn demanded speaking slowly and Kurt and Mercedes shrugged simultaneously trying to look innocent.

"He is perfectly fine, we left him in my basement," Kurt waved his hand at her glibly but Quinn wasn't buying it.

"Why is my boyfriend in your basement?" Quinn continued her questioning and Mercedes rolled her eyes like Quinn was making a big deal out of nothing.

"Chillax Quinn it's not like he alone in here or anything, Matt and Mike are locked in there as well," Mercedes told her not realising that she was making it sound worse and Rachel choked on her ice cream and coughed.

"Locked in there? You locked the three of them in there?" Rachel asked in disbelief and Puck just started chuckling. Rachel too started giggling behind her ice cream. And they called her crazy.

"Stop making us sound crazy, they have only been in there since yesterday and there is plenty of food and drink down there and a toilet," Kurt retorted a little offended at the way Rachel and Quinn were staring at him and Mercedes like they were lunatics.

"We just wanted this to be a surprise for you and we knew that Artie would blurt it out to you if you spoke so we took away their phones and locked them in Kurt's basement so that we could take you to see Puckleberyr for yourself without them ruining the surprise," Mercedes finally came completely clean about why three boys were trapped in Kurt's basement and Quinn's mouth just dropped open further in disbelief.

"Are they talking about us?" Rachel tilted her head to ask Puck when she heard the word 'Puckleberry' and Puck shrugged his shoulders. He kind of like the sound of it.

"Rachel, how fond are you of the title 'Queen of Crazy' because I think you have some serious contenders for your title," Quinn commented sarcastically to Rachel who didn't know whether to laugh or be offended that Quinn assumed Rachel already had the title of 'Queen of Crazy'.

"We are not crazy," Mercedes replied stubbornly folding her arms across her chest and Kurt did the same. Quinn shook her head at them.

"Let's see what Artie, Matt and Mike have to say about that," Quinn asked them sternly looking like a mother berating her naughty children as she started leading the way back to the car but she did pause to look back at Rachel and Puck lovingly, "By the way congratulations. And PDA's are not appropriate in shopping centres. Get a room because you will probably make people sick if you continue mauling each other in public."

Puck and Rachel looked at each other playfully.

"You heard the lady," Puck teased his girlfriend and the two scurried off to do as told while Quinn went to free her boyfriend, Matt and Mike from the Hummel basement.

Just a regular Summer in Lima, Ohio Quinn was sorry to realise. But then again, she wouldn't have it any other way.

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**AN: Hope you liked it. Just a little bit of fun. Review!**


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